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The Holy Book of Antioch's Instructions for Hearing The Wilhelm Scream in The Hobbit

Antioch Wilhelm Scream THE HOBBIT

Book Two, Chapter Three, Verse 12: "Thus I giveth thee instructions how to maketh the most of thine time that wasteth during the interminable escape fromest thine Goblin cave. Focus not on the chase, neither shalt thou focus on the swordplay, nay, I say unto thee, focus on the Scream. And most specifically doth I say unto thee, focus on the one Scream, knowneth throughout the film world as the Wilhelm Scream. This is The Scream thou shalt waiteth for, and this be The Scream thou shalt notice, and be thus rewarded for thine noticing. By focusing on The Scream shalt time pass more quickly for thee, and thine squirming in thine seat for this notoriously long sequence in The Hobbit film shalt be minimized to thine satisfaction. Here now are the instructions for observing said Scream. Whilst thou sitteth squirming waiting for the protagonists to escape from the cave of numerous Goblins, The Scream occureth soon after the shot of the dwarves who droppeth a Ladder onto the heads of many Goblins who are then pushed back by the dwarves whilst said Goblins remaineth stuck in said Ladder. Thou must wait for the Ladder sequence, for The Scream ye seeketh occureth not before. If said Dropping of the Ladder sequence hath not yet been reached, then The Scream ye seeketh shalt hath not yet been issued. If the dwarves hath escaped out of the cave then thou hast missed The Scream right out, and thouest art a very silly person and as penance thou shalt attendeth another screening forthwith. Only after the Dropping of the Ladder shall ye hear The Scream. Once thou hast witnessed the Dropping of the Ladder, beest thou most ready, for The Scream occurs soon thereafter. Not before, not there, but thereafter. Noteth thou, how the Dwarves pusheth the Goblins back with the ladder and then the Goblins drop off into the abyss. They may scream but hark! None of their screams is The Scream. But now thou hast best sit up most vertically and payest thou most serious attention as The Scream ye seeketh be but mere seconds away. Watchest thou for additional, but mere momentary, running away by the dwarves and additional but also mere momentary combat with persnickety Goblins. Beest thou most keen for one particular Goblin to be dispatched by a particular dwarf and throwneth off the right side of one of the perilous walkways. Not on the left side of the walkway, mindeth thee, but on the right, doth this forsaken Goblin plummeteth. Said Goblin plummeteth into the abyss and whilst said Goblin doth plummet doth he belteth out the Wilhelm Scream. Much music and audio mayhem occureth at the same time as The Scream so beest thou most careful and attentive and if thou doth listen thou shalt hear, for it is there. Hearest thou The Scream and with luck others in thine auditorium shalt have also heard the noise, and when such a situation presenteth, there shalt be much rejoicing. Thus having heard said Scream thou hast achieved True Wilhelmitude and can carry on with the rest of the film."

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